The good girl syndrome
I know and have seen so many women adapt to the needs of others, but not honor their own. It's as if they don't exist in their own eyes. It's as if their existence revolves around being nice, likable, of service and easygoing.
I include myself entirely in this. I didn't just observe these behaviors in them: these experiences shaped my life as a girl and a woman (and I keep undoing what I learned in order to be more authentic).
They ignore their “yes” and “no” to prioritize the comfort (real or assumed) of their close circle, colleagues, partners, friends, and even total strangers. They make choices that accommodate others, not the ones they need to make for themselves. Some no longer even ask for help to avoid being let down again or having to swallow their disappointment, sadness, and anger.
For many, this is nothing new. It started in childhood.
Societies, cultures, and families that align with patriarchy shape and reinforce the norms that girls and women must live up to.
Girls and women feel the weight and pressure of the demands, expectations and consequences if they don't comply.
The reality is:
Few have the right to say "no" and are supported in their "no", so they give the answers that are expected of them, even when they are given a choice in theory.
Few have the right to be angry and are guided in expressing that anger, so they learn to suppress it.
Few have the right to choose when they are no longer hungry & how they want to greet people, so they force themselves to finish their plates and please others.
Good girls become chameleons. They align with other people’s needs and expectations, to their own detriment. Their own needs, emotions, boundaries, truths, desires, and aspirations become insignificant. It’s how they’re socialized. It's how they learn to be in relationships with others, take their place in their families and become women. They perfectly adapt to these dehumanizing conditions in order to meet the demands of their social environment.
Not doing so means risking disappointing others, not being loved, being excluded, abandoned, rejected, or even becoming a victim of corrective violence. These aren't risks a child can affort to take.
These girls and women can’t help but to internalize these expectations, demands and conditioning.
They feel guilty when others are frustrated, angry, or disappointed — they are told or let to believe they should have or could have done better.
They compensate where they can to prove they are valuable and worthy of love (because the love they receive is very conditional). They contort themselves into excessive helpfulness and politeness.
They hide behind a façade, niceness and smiles that mask deep suffering.
It's the only way they know to keep their world together without the support they need.
Don't rock the boat.
Make sure no one blames you for anything.
Don't risk disappointing anyone.
Isolate or lie so that no one tries to manipulate you or change your mind.
It's violent to deprive girls and women of their boundaries.
It's violent to disregard their “yes,” “no,” “I don't know,” and “I don't want to anymore” when honoring their answer doesn't put them in danger, allows them to meet their needs and have a sense of agency and autonomy.
It's violent not to honor their authenticity and not allow them to use their personal power over their own lives.
It's violent to prioritize politeness and appearances at all costs.
It's convenient (even unconsciously) when they submit, remain silent, become invisible and play their role with a smile.
If they are at the intersection of other forms of oppression (racism, ableism, transphobia, fatphobia, etc.), it turns their experience into something more complex. For instance, as a black girl and woman, behaving like a "good girl” (suppressing my anger, letting things slide when my boundaries were not respected, not making my needs known) mean that I never matched with the Angry Black Woman stereotype. BUT I was often compared to other Black girls and women. I was praised while people were simultaneously throwing them under the bus, which is still racist and misogynistic.
This coping strategy is both a way to survive and a trap. These girls, teens, and women struggle with:
being strangers to themselves,
low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence,
trusting themselves,
doubting themselves, being ashamed and feeling guilt,
not knowing how to deal with their emotions and express them,
loneliness, anxiety, depression, burnout, autoimmune diseases, etc.
potentially verbal, physical, s.xual abuse, etc.
When girls and women are taught to prioritize obedience, politeness, being nice, bowing down to every authority figure, we are not helping them develop the skills they need to defend themselves and thrive. Yes, knowing how to appease/pacify people who are a threat to them can be extremely useful to ensure their survival, but not without discernment.
They risk repeating these patterns in situations where they don’t know how to read red flags. We expose them to violence, manipulation, and abuse: in their romantic relationships, their sexual life, at work, with friends, etc.
They learn to be docile and submissive regardless of circumstances, to be powerless, to wait to be saved, to burn themselves out trying to achieve the impossible (pleasing everyone), to ignore red flags and their intuition, to fragment themselves and dehumanize themselves even further...
They lose themselves in the process and no longer know who they are because no one has ever taken the time to get to know them. And no one really knows who they really are behind their façade.
Good girls are not okay because we kill their humanity and we teach them how to disappear.
